Translations

08Nov10

Inspiration:

Just Be A Man About it by Toni Braxton

Say Somethin’ by Timbaland feat. Drake

It’s over because I don’t want you.

We barely connect like that.

I have lengthy conversations like that with most people, that is not a gauge for compatibility.

I never asked you to have sex w/ me, but I like sex, so I wasn’t going to decline it because we’re not in love. I figured you are an adult. A woman. Someone who uses her conscious voice to make decisions rather than emotional whims.

I just don’t think you’re that cute. I thought you were cute–but then when you changed your hair, I noticed how big your nose was. Or how big your ears are. I started thinking that if we had a child I didn’t think it would be very cute because of your features. Dating and sex is one thing, Marriage and fidelity is another.

We have nothing in common.

You said you didn’t want children. I do. Whether it was today or 2 years from now I was going to end it. Know that.

Our values, morals, and/or beliefs don’t match. Education and aspirations are not a tell-tale sign of synergy. I respect the fact that you have a (name of degree), however, you are not the type of woman I want to share a lifetime with.

I do love you. It’s the love that grows. My love with her was there as soon as I saw her. And I cannot let that pass me by.

So what we’re both from the same state. Region. Country. Ethnicity.  Still doesn’t make up for the fact that I don’t feel anything when I’m with you. I think you’re nice, but not enough to commit to.

I’m leaving you because she’s better. She looks better. Her personality is more in sync with my own. We have more in common. I don’t have to force myself to be anything but myself. She lets me be me with no expectation. She makes me want to be a better man.

Your looks are not enough to sustain a relationship long-term. You are beautiful, but that only helps us physically. I need more substance and you cannot provide that.

I would rather make money than make love. I love winning more than I love anything alive. I only want to leave a legacy that says I dominated. You are infringing on my ability to dominate.

Your negative. Every living thing has been through something. Your bad experiences constantly define you today, and I want someone who has learned from their past with an eye on their future.

I care about you too, but this life is not easy though. As I live now I am attached to nothing. By attaching myself to you it gives my enemies a point of weakness to exploit me with. I can show no weakness in this lifestyle, so I am eliminating the only one: you.

If I tell you what I want it won’t matter because you are not it. You will only use this information to fool the next man. Who by that time has purchased a ring, a mortgage, one son, a dog, and a daughter on the way before he realizes that you are not who he thought you were. So, no, I’m not telling you what I want.  If you were that, I would not have to say.

I don’t fear commitment. I fear mistakes. I think being with you will be a mistake that I will pay dearly for. That I fear.

Yeah, the sex with her is better. She likes going down on me. I don’t mean that she does it. I mean that she likes it. She blows little bubbles with my semen and spreads it all over her face with her tongue and hand like it’s icing from Baked & Wired.  She likes when I smack her in the face with it. She mentioned bringing a girl in with us. She begs me for it. Sometimes she takes it and I don’t have to ask.  She fucks the shit out of me. She is insatiable for me. She wants me to pull her hair and bite on her shoulder until she bleeds a little. I desire her. I crave her taste. When she crosses her legs, my mouth waters for her.  She doesn’t mind risking it in public: whether that’s a kiss or a quick session in the restroom. In the midst of all that, the emotion can change so fast where we eventually slow down and I feel like I’m not only inside of her physically, but I am inside of her spiritually. Worlds shatter when we have sex, not just headboards and wall plaster. Everything about her sexuality tells me that she is mine and reassures that I only want to be hers. I can’t let you stand in the way of that.  Good is not great; Good enough is not fate.

I am a nasty muthafucka (laughs). But I don’t apologize for that. I embrace my sexuality, and the fact that you aren’t with the things I like should tell you that I am not the one for you.

You are not sexual enough. I’m a damn MAN. I like sex. You want someone to only complain to, go out with, fuss at, who occasionally gets to kiss on you: buy a dog.

Why do you want to fight so hard for something that does not want you? I didn’t choose not to be with you, I just know that I’m not supposed to be with you.

This feels like a job. I should not have to work this hard just to live. It wasn’t this hard before I met you. You are disintegrating my spirit. I must stop you from ending ‘me’ by stopping ‘us’.

You don’t understand who I am. When that song came on the radio you asked me who Larry Hoover was. Knowing wasn’t a criteria to being with me, but it did give me insight to your naivete. You asked me how I learned that handshake. You wonder why I always accept those calls or give those guys money. It took a lot to make the man I am today, and those people, those places, those things have all played a part.  I’m not a square. I’m not a criminal. Just somewhere in between.  And that is a space you don’t fit in.

I’ve got more money, thus more options. I’m opting out of this for something better. Why are you surprised, we did the same things with our neighborhoods. Schools. Friends. It’s only right that one of us would do it with our relationship, it just happens to be me first. You’ll get your cut, just don’t try to stop me or it will get bad for you.

Our interests are too different. You like those plays, and I think that guy is the biggest coon on the planet.  I read BBC online and Christian Science Monitor, and I can’t get you to sit through CNN. I got a GNC card I use like my debit card, I can’t get you to look at a gym. I’m reading Guns, Germs, and Steel, you’re reading Steve Harvey. No.

Because I don’t want you to change who you are, I’m leaving as the person I am.  Neither one of us should have to compromise on integrity, self-respect, and the very essence of who we are just so we can be a plus one.

Because I don’t want to cheat on you. I am a man of integrity, so I’m being upfront.

Because I don’t trust you.

I got at you because I heard you were a whore. Now you don’t want to be a whore for me? I don’t want to inspire you to be better, I only want to make you wetter. That was the whole premise for being with you?! The fact that you don’t want to be what you’ve always been under the guise of self-improvement and a new found self-respect makes me feel inadequate. Ashamed. Of myself.

Because I didn’t know you were a whore. It’s not about your past, it’s about you dishonesty and deceit. You never gave me a chance to make an informed decision on whether or not I wanted to be with you. Selfish muthafucka!

I don’t think your family is one I want to marry into. I think they are good people, just not my kind of people. No matter what you say, their influence on us and possibly our children will have an impact and I don’t want that.

I love you, but as a friend only. Unfortunately that’s not good enough to sustain a relationship where I am expected to be faithful. I don’t have sex with my friends. I have sex with lovers who happen to be my friend(s). There’s a difference.

Because I’m trying to protect you. Your reckless words, actions, and behavior may lead to your harm. From me.

You had the child, I didn’t want you too. You thought that if you had it, my loyalty for my child would become fidelity for you. The contempt that I felt when you took away my choice is not going to subside. It’s better if I go. Trust.

I love your child(ren), but he is a reminder that you loved a man so much that you created another life. A physical manifestation of that love. Now you tell me you don’t know if you want to create another physical manifestation of love. My love. Which I can only surmise to mean that you will never love me like you loved him.

You aborted my child. My flesh. My blood. A part of me. You killed him. You killed me. So I’m killing us.

I was here for the money. You live nice and I like living nice with you. Now you taking that away so I will stray to a woman who can still give me that. American Gigolo flow.

I know that you’re fucking around too. I thought when we got together, you were above the fray. Above the fucking for spite I encountered in the past. Above the games people play now. I know I have issues regarding trust and fidelity, and I thought you could be an anchor in my life that would inspire me to do better. Be better. The problem is…you’re just like me. There can only be one.

I really don’t think I’m good enough for you.

I don’t think you’re really good enough for me.

You’re judgmental. I don’t need that. Being a Black Man is hard enough.

I just met you. I came to talk to all of y’all because I was being personable. I got your number. I got you. But when we went to that party and your friend was there, I realized that I had a better connection with her. I probably won’t be with her, because you will both think I’m running game, but I’m not.  Seeing her only reminds me of what I’m missing out on. That feeling.

I’m not a project. I like who I am and the things I do. If you don’t, you shouldn’t have fucked with me to begin with.

I’m not a pet. I’m a man. I have feelings, though rarely shown. I have wants, though rarely voiced. I have needs that are not being met. I have thoughts that I dare not ignore. It is you, not me.

I’m not a player. Just a lot of man. They fill a void that one you cannot. Until I find the one woman who can.

We were just kicking it. It was cool until I met someone who made me want more by accepting nothing less.

I realized that I love her.

I still love her.

Sincerely,

“Him”

Bond. BlkBond.

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26 Responses to “Translations”

  1. This hits hard on so many levels… makes me re-think the choices I made that have put me in the position i find myself in today… if you ever write a book, be sur to put this post in it.

    • I got it. Yo, we all go through at least one of those experiences listed. We’re just navigating our way to and around relationships no different than women. It’s just seems harder because if we don’t speak enough, it seems to be laced with deceit, but if we speak too much, we are labeled assholes.

      Bond.

  2. 3 SmartFoxGirl

    *Alicia Sylverstone voice* That was way harsh Ty. Rough and raw. I like the truth just like the next person but what about preventing suicides when the rainbow is not enuff type sh*t? That was laced with insults. If I were her, my come back would be massive but then again it’s not about the details but the over all message. You said it best…she is better for ME. It’s okay when two people aren’t compatible. We don’t have to tear each other apart, just recognize that we aren’t good for each other. I can definitely empathize with alot of what you said…especially owning your sexuality. That part was HOT.

    • I didn’t mean it to be harsh (me specifically), the different lines represent different voices from different men/different types of men.

      Some of the line in there are personal (I won’t say which ones) but, a large part are what I have heard other men tell me or say to other men.

      I often hear the clamor for honesty from Men, but, as I wanted to show with the post, sometimes, it’s best to just accept “it’s not working out” rather than push for complete honesty.

      Bond.

  3. 5 purple pisces

    You should have come out with a book instead of that church suit coon Steve Harvey.
    It just goes to show that you can never really tell what a person’s thinking until they tell you, but by that time, its too late for you. How then can you trust what anyone says or does? I guess you have to be confident in yourself and hope for the best.

    • That’s one of the confines of anonymity: I don’t/won’t reap the exposure that other bloggers have/will because my face and identity is concealed. So, if I ever get contacted about a book, podcast, etc. I would only be willing to do so if I could maintain anonymity, especially in lieu of the drama that’s taken place with online.

      When it comes to trust, I may not be the best person to consult (laughs), but I would say trust yourself and your own instincts.

      Bond.

  4. “It was cool until I met someone who made me want more by accepting nothing less.”

    This.

    I might have to blog on that line alone!

    • OK! (OJ da juiceman voice)

      Letsgo! (laughs)

      I will admit, that this line was personal. You never realize that you are going along to get along, until you meet someone who gives you life just by being in your life. On one end, it’s an unbelievable and undeniable moment; on the other end, you hurt someone (likely a good person), without cause or merit.

      At this age, sometimes, it makes me want to keep to myself until I meet those ‘unicorns’, because it only puts me in a bad spot that harms me (reputation, perception, etc.)

      Bond.

  5. Oh and was it me or was this about several different women?

    • You epitomize your namesake 😉

      Yes, many of the lines were about different (types of) women. For example, there are like 3 lines that deal with women with children–but the rationale is different in every line.

      Ms. Smart, that’s why I rock with you…lol

      Bond. BlkBond.

  6. I love you….
    ….you went hard with the bj image….sounds like something a certain someone I know wants/says/does…likes. Maybe that’s why no matter how hard we try to stop…we (he & I) still go back for more…you speak the truth

  7. 14 LaKesha

    Whooo!. Very heavy but appreciated. Sometimes the truth hurts but lies leave wounds.

    • Yes. Anything that breaks usually hurts. At least with full disclosure, you don’t need to worry about repercussions later that may affect you.

      Bond.

  8. 16 CNN

    I read this and thought…Wow. Then sent it to at least 3 friends. This blog was one of the main reasons I keep coming back

  9. Wow…after reading this 67 times I dimissed a member of my team. I didn’t want to sit him on the bench…he just needed to be fired…thanks for the inspiration and motivation to stop playing and wasting time with ppl you see no future in.

    • I think at this age it can get easy to land into a trend where you settle for Mr. or Ms. Right Now. I always joke that I’m always dating Ms. Right Now.

      Truth is, connectivity is hard to find, then you are torn between sitting idle for the sake of integrity or dating Mr/Ms Right Now to remain active. We rationalize it by saying ‘well, they want the company too’, but the thing is, they build expectations and feelings, while we bide time until the next or the best comes along.

      Bond.

  10. 20 05girl

    i’d rather the honesty.

  11. 22 Mimi

    OMG! I’m gagging. I think you are my muse because this post reminded me of some things i need to say.

    BUT… WOW… that got rude as hell here and there. I gasped, hand over mouth even!!!! I’m leaving you because she’s better. WOW!

    • Damn, I didn’t think it was that rude, but, considering that more than one person has commented that it was may be an indication otherwise (laughs).

      Some of this stuff is things I need to say myself. I’ve started, but I’m not completely absolved though.

      Guess we got work to do Mimi…

      Bond.

  12. 24 Lex

    This was far from rude..some people don’t understand what you are saying if you sugar coat it. Lets just say what REALLY needs to be said so you wont be mistaken or ask me more bs questions later after you finally figured out what the heck I meant. It’s all there, right here, right now. No need for clarification. It’s all clear to you now…
    Can you stop making ppl wait months for this action, Bond!? 😉 Thanks

  13. 25 V.E.G.

    Super late on commenting here.
    This hits hard and is uncomfortable in some spots; but truth is like that.

    This line:

    “I do love you. It’s the love that grows. My love with her was there as soon as I saw her. And I cannot let that pass me by.”

    Love it.

  14. 26 LLS

    “I do love you. It’s the love that grows. My love with her was there as soon as I saw her. And I cannot let that pass me by.” WOW.

    “If I tell you what I want it won’t matter because you are not it. You will only use this information to fool the next man. Who by that time has purchased a ring, a mortgage, one son, a dog, and a daughter on the way before he realizes that you are not who he thought you were. So, no, I’m not telling you what I want. If you were that, I would not have to say.” Damn.

    “I don’t fear commitment. I fear mistakes. I think being with you will be a mistake that I will pay dearly for. That I fear.” Bang! Nail on the head.

    I’m a new reader (looked into your blog after reading a few comments you left on ABIB) and boy does this post speak the kind of honesty that many of us (self included) say we want, but many cannot handle. No one said the truth was easy, but it is worth it.

    Some might become defensive depending on which one of these translations we were hit up with. But, what they all have in common is one person’s perception of another person, based on their experiences together.

    Some lack self-awareness and the truth can remedy this. Striving to be better requires you to face the unpleasant truth about yourself, reflecting and growing. It all starts with you.

    I appreciate your observation, insight, honesty and self-awareness.


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